A friend asked me how I was. How I really was. People had been asking me that for days, but I just didn’t know how to answer them, because I honestly had no idea how I was. I just couldn’t seem to sort it out. But I finally just decided to start typing in an attempt to answer her question, and while it was rather messy, and I’m sure made little logical sense, it was good. And God used it, my friend, and a bombardment of emails to help me see something that I hadn’t before.

What I was trying to sort through (still am, really), all boiled down to worries and concerns about the past, present, and future.

Some of them were logical, and others slightly irrational.

I was holding onto both traumatic memories and memories of things that I couldn’t do from the past. I was trapped feeling guilty and burdensome in the present, as well as trying to sort through all the constantly (and confusingly) changing symptoms. And I was also worrying about things in the future… how my sickness will affect everything about my life in the future, including the effects it would have on a future family. (I know, I know, strange worries for a 15-year-old, but I’ll go into that in another post).

What it all boiled down to was trust and surrender.

The hurt from the past, the guilt of the present, and the worries of the future… especially when other people were involved in all of that… I wasn’t trusting God. I wasn’t trusting that it wasn’t me who was writing my story. This is God’s story, that He’s writing.

Not mine. I should not be trapped in lies of guilt for being sick, nor worried about whether or not my sickness will hurt those acquainted with me in the future. God put me on this planet, with other people, and with this sickness for a reason.

All I have to do is trust, and surrender. Surrender control. Trust Him with my life.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you.

Psalm 138:1-18 (NIV)

Have you surrendered? Have you trusted your life and story to God?

Like my friend told me, God has given us this story for a reason. He didn’t give it to us to hide, or to try and change, or to worry about. He gave it to me to live, and to let others see. Why? So that they can see Him. So that He can be glorified.

I urge you, don’t be afraid of your story, or worried about how your sickness might hurt other people around you. Do this not only to escape the guilt, fear, and worry for yourself, but because God has commanded you! In the Bible, it says we will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. In the Bible, it says that in our weakness He is strong. In the Bible, God tells us not to worry or be afraid.

All we have to do it let go. To surrender and trust. To surrender the worries, and to surrender ourselves to God’s arms of love. He’s there. He’s right there, waiting for you, with you.

When you surrender He may not give you all the answers. But He will love you and hold you. All we have to do is look to Him. That’s it. Just fix your eyes on Jesus.

Author’s Note: I wrote this over a year ago if my timeline is correct, but surrender is important in any walk of life. It’s so easy for us to try and carry burdens that are meant for God, and as you can probably attest to, it’s rather hard to do that. Don’t try and fight alone or carry things you weren’t meant to. Let go. Just trust you amazing, loving Father and King. 🙂 

P.S. Also, if you didn’t get to take the survey concerning the new website launch, be sure to look at last week’s post here. Your input is greatly appreciated!