God, I know I’m not supposed to bow down to this guilt. In You there is freedom, right? But I feel so trapped by the guilt. It eats at me. It keeps me up at night. It tints every conversation, all my interactions. It changes my actions, makes me try to repay love.
“Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.” (Romans 13:8 NIV)
Please help me. God, I don’t know how to embrace the freedom I know is mine in You. Illness may not be my fault, but the trial came through me. And there are people who say it is my fault, or at least imply it strongly.
Please free me. I feel stuck. Trapped. God, speak truth into my heart and into my life and into my relationships. Help me learn to accept unconditional love and to stand firm in Your love for me even when other humans are — well, human.
I need You. I can’t do this without You. Illness has caused me to be a burden and a drain to so many, and especially to those I love. I can’t seem to do anything right. But I know that Your grace is sufficient for me. Please help me remember that and truly believe it.
Guilt sucks, and I am so, so weary of it taking over my heart and my mind. God, I don’t understand. Why me? Why did illness have to be in my body? Why do I keep breaking things and messing up events and hurting people?
Why? Sure, maybe you want me to learn to forgive myself and let down my pride and accept love. Blah blah blah. Oh God, I’m so thankful for all that, and I love You so much. I trust You. But . . . God, please help me. Free me from this guilt when I can’t do it on my own. Only in Your power and grace can I accept Your gift of power and grace.
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” (Romans 8:1-2 NIV)
I know illness wasn’t my fault. It’s the consequence of living in a fallen world. I know you have freed me from the law of sin and death — and that coming so close to death wasn’t my fault either. But God, the lies are so constant, so persuasive! It hurts so much.
I’m caught somewhere between “Why can’t I do anything right?” and “Why can’t I see the truth and be free?” Please, Lord, help me. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to escape this spiral.
I love You. Thank You for loving me first.
Goodnight,
Sara