“So often people say to stop crying when someone is crying or struggling. But I don’t get it.”

“Neither do I.” The thing is, comforting someone crying and struggling is my comfort zone. Making small talk and deciphering a new social situation is not. 

That wasn’t always the case. One day at theater practice in particular comes to mind. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a girl crying. She was sitting against the wall in view of everyone, but no one seemed to notice.  

Eventually — with a little prompting — I walked over. Standing over her, I shifted awkwardly. “Are you okay?” 

She shook her head no. Uhh . . . I had no clue what to do.

Thankfully, someone else took over at that point, and I’ve learned a thing or two from years of chronic illness and ministry and a lot of trial and error. So today let’s make a deal. I’m gonna share what to do next time you find yourself comforting someone who is hurting and why don’t you comment on how to handle a new social situation.

(Unless you’re just as clueless as I am. If that’s the case just comment to let me know I’m not alone and we can form a support group or something for overthinkers.)

Without further ado here are five things to say to someone who is hurting or struggling or crying.

• Nothing

Yep, sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. This isn’t always the case. But so often in our desire to fill the awkwardness and avoid silence, we say words just for the sake of saying words. What someone who is hurting needs is not nonsense words. What someone who is hurting needs is truth and sincere love.

May we not be afraid to sit in the pain with them. To sit in the suffering and be there.

• “I don’t understand what you’re going through”

This one is hard because our instinct is to say that we do understand. You might. You might know exactly what it feels like to go through whatever it is someone is going through. But in my experience, telling someone that can backfire.

When you’re hurting, it feels like no one understands the depth of your pain. Every experience, while common to mankind, is unique. But when someone says “I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through right now,” it shows that they have an inkling of how sensitive and deep the hurt is.

This does not mean that you shouldn’t share a similar experience you’ve had or what you learned. Doing that can help the person feel less alone and like they are accepted with grace. But be careful with the words “I understand.”

• “You’re not alone”

There’s a reason this is one of my life-messages. Tell those who are hurting the are not alone and then live it. Prove it. 

Remind them that even when no one is there and no one understands, God is and He does.

• “It’s okay to cry”

You don’t have to stop someone from crying. In fact, doing so can send the message that someone’s pain is making you uncomfortable, and it can invalidate their pain, sending the message that someone is overreacting or that their suffering isn’t worth crying over.

This is never the goal when someone saying “don’t cry,” but there’s nothing wrong with tears. Perhaps a two yeard old needs to hear this so they learn the right way to handle their emotions. But in general, let’s learn to be comfortable with tears. God made them for a reason.

• “I love you”

Love. So often, it boils down to love. To not feeling loved. To being hurt by people we loved or who were supposed to love us. To longing for God’s unconditional love.

So say those simple three words and mean them. Look the person who is struggling in the eyes and make sure they know. Love speaks through fear and doubt and lies and loneliness like nothing else.

You can say it however is natural. “I care about you.” “You are loved.” “God loves you.” Or perhaps it’s simply said through a hug or a gift of coffee.

It can seem intimidating to enter into someone’s pain and help someone who is suffering. But these powerful phrases can be huge. So try some of them some time as you follow God’s guiding. Chances are, someone you came in contact with today needs to hear one of these right now.