Your friend is struggling. She’s pouring out her heart, and she looks up at you. Tears are starting to slip out.
Inwardly, you are squirming. What on earth do you say? What would be helpful? She’s in pain, and you want it to stop. What advice can you give her?
When someone is hurting, it can be hard to know how to respond. We know it is a tender, fragile moment, and we want to help but don’t always know how.
This can often lead to two things:
1) Avoiding these situations altogether. We change the subject or skip the deep questions. Tears are embarrassing, right? We assume people want to process their hard emotions privately.
This may be true some of the time, but to assume people want space when they haven’t asked for it can leave people isolated. Those who are suffering need help and support, not avoidance.
2) Offering advice too soon. We want to fix the suffering, making the pain go away as soon as possible.
The problem is not everything is fixable—or even needs to be fixed. When we offer advice too soon, without fully understanding the complexities of a situation or the heart of the person in front of us, it can be harmful, rather than helpful.
What can we do instead? Here are three steps the practical, logical friend can take to comfort and help hurting people.
Say Nothing!
Before doing anything else, hold your tongue. Helpful advice comes from understanding, and understanding comes from listening.
James 1:19 (ESV) says. “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;”
Listening takes the focus off of us and what we will say and focuses on the person and being present with them in their moment of need.
“Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self.” -Dean Jackson
Are we willing to listen to the silence or the tears? Are we willing to enter into the pain and not try to rush it away?
“Listening is about being present, not just about being quiet.” -Krista Tippet
When we are too quick to fix things, we can miss what God has for us and others to learn in the pain. We also run the risk of putting a piece of tape over a chasm that needs to be filled—doing something that helps in the short term without actually caring for the deeper sorrow in someone’s heart.
Move Closer
Moving closer physically to the person who is hurting is a way to show you care when you don’t know what to say. It offers presence and comfort. You can do this by:
- Scooting closer on a couch
- Switching chairs to be next to someone, rather than across from them
- Putting a hand on their shoulder
- Putting an arm around their shoulders
A simple, practical way you can do this—especially if touch isn’t your thing—is to locate the nearest tissue box, and give a tissue to the crying person. Even if they don’t need it, it is a way to show them that you care. It can also relieve your desire to say something when nothing needs to be said (yet).
Note: One caveat to this is if someone’s history or personality makes touch feel unsafe. If you’re unsure, start small: a hand on a shoulder, rather than an enveloping hug. You can also ask them—later on—what would be most helpful in future situations. You could say “Are you a hugging person?” or “Was that okay with you?”
Ask Questions
One way to move closer emotionally and also gather the information you need to give helpful advice is to ask questions.
Example questions/prompts:
- “Say more.”
- “What do you need?”
- “Is there anything you need to hear right now?”
- “How is that affecting other areas of your life right now?”
- “What are your spouse/parent/friend’s thoughts? Do you agree?”
- (For grief-related pain) “What are your favorite (birthday, Christmas, etc.) memories with him/her?”
Asking questions is also a way to advise without actually giving advice (unless advice is directly asked for). When you ask questions, it allows people to process and come to their own conclusions. You don’t have to even know anything about what they are going through! You can simply ask them questions about what they are feeling and experiencing, and let them work out the next step. They have far more expertise on the situation than you do. Learning through discovery rather than someone telling them what to do is often more effective for learning and growth.
Sitting with the hurting can be challenging, but through it, we get to imitate Jesus, who wept with Mary and Martha, had compassion on the hungry crowds, touched the leper, and came to our broken world to be with us.
This is a discipline that is worth blundering through on the path to learning and love.
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Ephesians 4:2 (NIV)
