Dear Future Husband

Hey Mister,

There have been many a day as a young girl when I wondered if you existed. When I wondered who you were and what you were doing and how I would ever meet you. There have been many a night when I prayed for you, asking my Prince of Peace about you. He didn’t often say much, but He has held my hand and danced with me through it all.

But there came a time when I began to seriously doubt a future huaband existed. And not just as a possibility, but a likelihood. Through tears and then acceptance, I seriously thought about being single for the rest of my life. Though my heart still dreamed of you, I truly accepted the idea as a strong possibility.

Why? Because I was chronically ill. So often, I’ve heard other chronically ill girls and women wonder if a guy could ever love someone who was so sick and dependent and unable. But you know what? That was never the part I doubted. I didn’t doubt that someone could love and be willing to marry someone who was chronically ill. I didn’t doubt that love was possible through God’s grace.

It was me I doubted. How could I ever marry you, knowing all the pain and burden that my illness would bring to you and any children we had. Lyme disease is known to pass from a person to their spouse and children. How could I ever do that to anyone?

I watched many couples and mothers and wives struggle to make things work in the midst of chronic illness. But they didn’t have a choice. They didn’t know beforehand. I did. I know. Those women do an amazing job, but if I could avoid putting such difficulty on others, shouldn’t I?

I also really want a husband who understands me, and illness is something that isn’t easy to understand unless you’ve had personal experience with it. At the very least, as a caregiver. And I haven’t met many guys who have that.

Perhaps those were odd thoughts for a fifteen/sixteen-year-old girl, but illness makes you think about things no one should have to worry about. Eventually, stuff happened to make me realize marriage might still be an option — God is pretty amazing, and I could leave it in His hands. But that’s a whole other story that I don’t want to get into.

So I’m going to keep hoping. I don’t know how or when I’ll meet you. But until then, Happy Valentine’s Day.

Love,

Sara