Don’t freak out. I’m saying saying goodbye to you. I’m not quitting this blog or writing or the internet or anything. At least, I don’t plan on it any time soon. In fact, I have some exciting stuff up my sleeve that will hopefully help me connect with you all better, which you shall find out soon. I think I might become a little unhinged without being able to write. But today, I’m ditching my usual laser-focus on illness and its effects on life and faith. I’m ditching search engine optimized titles and possibly even organization. Sure, I may still add keyword. And sure, this is going to touch on illness, so hopefully it will still be relatable and encouraging to you.

But today, let’s pretend we’re at a coffee shop. Or better yet, the new tea shop that recently opened up a few minutes away from my house. I recommend the hibiscus tea. It’s delicious. Although I’ve heard that the green tea ice cream isn’t bad. If you can do dairy.

Let’s sit down and talk. About life. About changes. About what’s going on.

And in my life right now, what’s going on is a whole lot of goodbyes. Many of which are good goodbyes. I’m saying goodbye to chronic illness. (We’re working on it. Illness is being kinda clingy, and I don’t think the break up is mutual.) I’m saying goodbye to limitations. I’m saying goodbye to being trapped in a small bubble of the world.

But a lot of these goodbyes are hard. Or bittersweet. Or some kind of mixed jumble of emotions that don’t have names. I’m saying goodbye to my childhood — part of which I never really got to have anyway. I’m saying goodbye to some projects. Like the Christian girls magazine that started me writing seriously in the first place. I’m saying goodbye to highschool. Which is a miracle and a relief, but it’s also sad. I’m even saying a temporary goodbye to my brother, who is leaving for a few week trip tomorrow.

I suspect those are where you might relate. You know what it’s like to say goodbye to a childhood you never had. You know what it’s like to have to let go of projects or dreams or past adventures. You know what it’s like to always be the one staying behind while other people go out and live life “to the fullest.” (Or so it can seem.)

Goodbyes can mean life, growth, and new things. But they can also mean loss, disappointment, and fear. 

I’ve been having to say some hellos too. Many of which have been exciting and new and wonderful. Hello to healing. Hello to new life. Hello to new new ministries and opportunities. Hello to old friends and hobbies and dreams. Yet while still good, some of these hellos have been stressful. Some of these hellos have been tainted with loss.

I’m saying hello to adulthood. But I long for the childhood I missed. And I’m so not where my peers are at in life. I’m saying hello to possible college or whatever is next for me, and the multitudes of decisions are stressful. 

I feel like life — and faith — are full of such paradoxes, which my brain is too tired to puzzle out right now. But it can be so hard. And lately, I’ve been praying desperately that God would show me the way. That He would guide me to what is next. That He would show me which goodbyes to say and which hellos to seek.

But I don’t have the answers I had hoped for yet. And time feels like it’s running out.

I don’t know where you’re at right now. But this is where I’m at. I’m wondering. I’m riding waves of change. I’m clinging to things I need to say goodbye to and pursuing things I might not want to introduce myself to. It’s confusing. It’s chaotic. It’s bittersweet. Bittersweet is the perfect word for where I’m at right now.

Maybe, chronically ill warrior, you feel that too. Maybe you finally got a diagnosis, and are happy that you finally have a treatment plan, but sad about how it might affect the rest of your life. Maybe you’re having to say goodbye to dreams of school or work or kids, but hello to new dreams. To God’s dreams for you, be it ministry or mentoring or starting an Etsy shop.

I don’t know.

But God does.

I won’t tell you what to do or how to handle the bittersweet goodbyes. Because honestly, I’m in my own rollercoaster. But I will tell you that God is with us in the goodbyes. When life changes, He is a reliable constant. He knows the unknowns and He sees exactly where we’re headed next. Even if He (frustratingly) doesn’t tell us.

So seek Him with me! Pray, and don’t stop praying, even if you don’t get the answers you want — the answers you need. I know it’s hard. Impossible, even. But God works in the impossible. And I know He is with me right now even if He won’t tell me the things I think I need to know.

He is with us. Will we continue to seek to be with Him?

Anyway. That’s where I’m at right now, and I better stop or else the tired-brain-rambling will become too much. So, take a sip of your coffee (I’m a tea girl myself) and let me know what’s on your mind? What has been going on in your life lately? Is there any way I can be praying for you? What had God been teaching you lately?