Many of you know that when I was fourteen, I got super sick. For months I went undiagnosed, and then when I did get diagnosed with toxic mold poisoning, we lost our home and all our material possessions, we were homeless for months, I eventually was given a month to live, and — well, things were crazy. Crazy hard.  Most of the time, I was the furthest thing from numb.

I lost so much through chronic illness. It broke me. It challenged my faith and made me face things — like death — way before most people do. It was an emotional rollercoaster. Fear of unknowns. Anger at the things I lost. Bitterness towards people who hurt me. Overwhelming grief over the things that got stolen from me. Frustration. Loneliness. Depression. Anxiety. 

Of course, it wasn’t all negative. I felt cautiously hopeful when I was finally able to get a treatment that helped. I was elated when I finally got a diagnosis. I was comforted by my Lord when no one else understood. I was blessed by the things He did through my tears.

But all of it, I felt to such intensity. Everything made me go deeper and handle more and feel more. It was never just a feeble passing thought or emotion or physical pain. It was overwhelming and consuming and sometimes excruciating. There were times when I could barely think through the physical pain and there were other times when I really couldn’t think through the mental pain. 

Before grieving chronic illness I didn’t really even realize that one could feel emotions so deeply that it made you physically sick. There were moments when the grief would be so overwhelming, I thought I was going to throw up — even wanted to throw up just to feel empty because the emotions filled me up too much. If that even makes sense. And that’s saying something because since I was a child I’ve struggled with a paralyzing fear of vomit/vomiting.

But lately — I’ve been doing better. I’ve been healing. The waves of grief topple me less and less often, many of my previous unknowns are now known (only to be replaced, of course ;P), and my life, while still not easy, isn’t getting totally smashed against the rocks every other day.

But now I feel numb. It’s like how cancer patients can often only taste super sour or spicy things after having chemo — my emotional taste buds feel zapped. Like I can only feel deep sadness or passionate elation. The rest just brushes by me — I try to make my facial expressions match the situation, but I just don’t feel much anymore.

Maybe it’s just another stage of grief — I don’t know. But with the numbness has come a sense of distance between other people and me and even between God and me. I’m trying to pursue all of the relationships in my life, but inwardly I feel separated from those around me and from God. 

Sure, I’ve felt like I was just going through the motions before, it happens to everyone from time to time, but this takes it to a whole new level for me.

I don’t know where you’re at. Maybe right now you’re desperate for some numbness. And if so — I totally get that. Numbness has its place for our survival every now and then. There were times when I longed for it.

But if, like me,  you’re feeling numb right now, whether from exhaustion, feeling overwhelmed, or from something similar to what I’m feeling right now, I want to encourage you to just keep going through the motions.

I know. That doesn’t seem like enough, does it? 

But if you keep striving to connect with God, the slump will end. I think. 😉 I still feel numb. Yet this past weekend, I was reminded that quiet faithfulness seeking God in His Word and in prayer isn’t pointless. It will pay off in the end.

The other thing is to remember that this is probably pretty normal. I’m not a phycologist by any means, but I think it makes sense to feel numb while going through a hard thing and even after, just like all those emotions like anger, fear, guilt, and grief are normal. It’s just what we do with them that matters.

Do we bring them — do we bring our numbness — to God?

Our emotions are probably just going to need a break before they can absorb things like excitement over holidays and sadness over the abused puppy commercial again. For so long, we’ve forced ourselves to brush off everything not life-threatening, it’s gonna take a bit to get back to normal.

God can still speak to you and reach you even when you feel numb or are spiritually so exhausted you feel like you can’t hear God’s voice and guidance. It encouraged me to know that I wasn’t doing something horrible and that I wasn’t super far off track just because I can’t seem to feel things to a normal degree right now.

I think I’m rambling a bit now, but I just wanted to leave you with that encouragement. If you feel numb right now, don’t feel like you’re sinning or something. Just keep seeking God’s heart and give yourself some grace. It’s gonna be okay.