“How are you?” she asks me as we walk.
“I’m doing better than last night.” I pull my scarf up further. “I kinda hit a wall and I still don’t feel great, but I’m hanging in there. How are you?”
She shrugs. “I’m not a complainer.”
I bristle. At first, I feel guilty, thinking of my own answer and how it could have sounded like I was complaining. Was I complaining? I probed my heart. No, I could honestly say I was just being factual. Once I determine this, I still feel kind of frustrated and I’m not sure why.
But today, the answer comes to me. I was frustrated that this girl didn’t think her “complaints” were worth being voiced. Because I knew she was no complainer and I honestly did want to know how she was. I wanted to support and help her, but she didn’t think she was worth it. Even if she didn’t think consciously that she wasn’t worth it, that was what her words betrayed. Or at the very least, she didn’t want to burden anyone and therefore was standing strong on her own.
Our culture likes a warrior who stands alone. And actually, the Bible does too. Standing alone is something I’ve taught many Bible studies on. But the truth is, when someone stood alone in the Bible, they really weren’t alone. They had the God of angel armies at their backs. They were also part of a body of believers. When Paul stood alone, he still had Silas or Timothy or Barnabas to support him. When Daniel took a stand and refused to eat the meat offered to idols, Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego stood with him. When Abraham left his family to obey God, Sarah came with him.
Or even take fictional characters. When Bilbo faced Smaug, Balin walked through the tunnel with him. When Harry confronted Tom for the very last time, Ron and Hermionie were right there in the fight. When Katniss took a stand on the train platform, she was backed up by the entire resistance.
There’s something we as humans seem to have a hard time with. We tend to go to either one or the other extreme. We either focus so much on others that we don’t even know how to even tell someone how we’re doing. Or we focus so much on managing our own issues and explaining what’s going on in our lives that we overlook asking how someone next to us is doing. I’ve been guilty of both.
Chronically ill warriors, I want you to know that being vulnerable and letting someone in to help does not equal complaining. You can let people in. Even if you’re struggling. Even if you don’t have a positive thing going on in your life right now. Even if your struggles are “not as bad” as someone else’s. Okay?
You are worth being vulnerable. You are worth someone helping. You are worth voicing your hurts.
Of course, some spoonies really are complainers. And we truly have to learn a balance. But as you discover the right time and place, please don’t isolate yourself more than your illness already does. Let people in. Let people stand behind you and support you. Let people walk down the tunnel with you like Bilbo or help you write letters in prison like Paul.
There will be things we have to face without any human help, but we can be vulnerable without complaining. Both to others and to God. Vulnerability and complaining aren’t one and the same.
This is so good and convicting. This is something I struggle with A LOT. Thanks for putting it in such a good, Biblical perspective. Sometimes, we all need to be reminded of it, I think.
*hugs* I’m sorry this is something you struggle with, but I’m glad this article could help! 🙂 It’s definitely something I’ve struggled with, and when I see other people feeling like they aren’t worth it it brings out my mama bear side. 🙂
Sara, this is exactly what I needed. I looked and the title and that alone was so needed. Thank you!
I’m glad this was timely for you!!