“So . . . I’m not offering any value in this relationship right now?” My insecurity was laid bare before my friend.
“It isn’t about offering value! You HAVE value. You are VALUABLE. I don’t give a rip what you think you can or can’t add to our friendship, because you already added yourself. Value is intrinsic, not externally based on the things that you do.”
I slid to the kitchen floor. My breaths came fast and shallow, I could tell that I was on the edge of hyperventilating. God used my friend’s words to strip me to my core.
You see, most people in my life need something from me or there is something I can do for them. But at this point, this friend doesn’t need anything from me. And that confuses me. For some reason, I couldn’t seem to wrap my mind around the fact that my friend loves me despite my inability to do anything for them.
Yeah. This is going to be really vulnerable Sara today.
I never even realized this was how I viewed myself. Not until someone didn’t need me. But when you battle a chronic illness, you are forced to accept a lot of unearned grace and love and mercy without being able to do anything to repay those around you.
I don’t know about you, but that’s hard for my pride to swallow. When I feel like I’m not offering any value to people, it feels like I’ve lost my purpose.
If that’s where you’re at right now, stop. I want to look you in the eyes and preach this directly to your soul. Because I need someone to do that for me too.
Ready?
Your value is intrinsic. You are worthy of love not because of anything you’ve done or can do, but because, beautiful soul, you were created that way.
God created you worthy.
Read that again, this time out loud and with the word “me.”
That is who you are. Your value is intrinsic. It doesn’t matter if chronic illness makes you unable to do the things you think you should be able to do for others. It doesn’t matter if your parenting looks different than that of those around you. It doesn’t matter if your full-time job is taking care of your health.
My friend Jess and her husband Eric come to mind. Jess is an amazing chronic illness warrior. And something that I admire in her is that she is confident in her own self-worth. She knows who she is in God. And she accepts Eric’s self-sacrificial love with grace and dignity. I want to do the same!
It doesn’t matter that you need help — you are still valuable beyond measure.
I wish I could inject this into my own heart. I know this is hard. I know it’s hard to believe. This weekend I found myself sitting at a booth table by myself with a bright pink paper in front of me. I’d chosen a purple colored pencil. But when I went to write, my hand hovered over the page for what felt like forever.
Tears came, and my fist was clenched on the pencil as I battled. Finally, I put the tip on the paper and drew a line. Then another. “Beloved” in all caps. I traced over it until my pencil was completely dulled.
Self-worth can be an incredibly hard battle. But it is one we must not give up. So, dear chronic illness warrior, please know this: your value is not affected by your illness. Your value is not affected by the effects of your illness. Your value is intrinsic and you were created worthy of love.