I’m super excited to share this guest post from one of my amazing writing mentees. Eliadah has become a good friend of mine and as someone who has experienced some of what she describes in this article, I am so glad you are reading this. This is something too few people understand, but I resonated deeply with it. When you’re done, make sure to share it with someone — the more light that is shed on this subject, the better.
Dark walls closed in on me from every direction. It felt like everyone was out to aggravate me—even the dog, just because she decided to sit down and chew on her toy. It was like someone took a gigantic magnifying glass and placed it between me and everything that bothered me. All of a sudden everything was a hundred times worse. Even things that normally wouldn’t bother me now felt like a catastrophe.
What’s worse is my personality changed. The crushing depression desperately wanted to break out from inside me, making me want to scream at the top of my lungs. The bubbling depressive feeling welled up inside me until it wanted to come out in any way possible. It wanted me to relieve the pressure by saying things I didn’t mean to people I cared about.
That caused fear to come flying to the surface. What if I actually said some of the things the depression wanted me to say? Would people understand that I was in a state of mind where I might say things I didn’t mean and would never say otherwise? Would they understand that my chronic illness was causing this difficulty in my brain, not me?
The overwhelming feeling to retreat into my imagination came over me. I needed to get away from people before I said something I didn’t mean. What if I hurt someone by what I said? Would they ever forgive me? While I desperately needed to talk to someone, my brain told me it was best to isolate myself. Then the isolation fueled the fire, and the depression and anxiety became unbearable. I felt like I would explode into 10,000 pieces at any minute.
If you have a friend who is struggling with anxiety or depression that is caused by Lyme, a thyroid disorder or some other physical problem, it is likely consuming their life no matter how much they may try to hide it. What they need is a friend who is there for them no matter what. No matter how bad their struggles get, don’t give up on them. Here are some tips from my own personal experience on how to best be there for your friend.
Listen:
This is one of the most important things you can do for us. By listening I don’t mean just hearing what the other person says while thinking up a great response. I mean just sitting there and listening without trying to fix anything. If you are trying to think of something you can quickly say to fix the situation, you are not going to be listening in a way that will be helpful for your friend.
Listening includes trying to understand what the person actually means. Repeat what you heard to show that you are trying to understand. Say something like, “It sounds like you are feeling very discouraged right now.” One of my friends said that to me after I told him how horrible I was feeling. That was one of the best things he could have said to me. It told me he was listening. He didn’t try to offer any advice or try to fix anything. He just acknowledged my feelings. This is one of the best ways to help your struggling friend feel heard. That way they can say, “Yes, that’s exactly how I feel,” or they can correct you if you were wrong about how they are actually feeling.
Validate your friend’s feelings:
Validation goes a long way in helping your friend feel heard. When you validate your friend’s feelings you are showing them you believe what they are going through is hard. You understand, as best you can, what they are feeling.
A grief counselor, Doug Manning, calls this getting in the other person’s bucket. Their bucket of pain is full to the point of overflowing. It can’t take anymore right now. If you just say some quick cheer-you-up statement like, “God works everything out for your good,” while true, it will overflow your friend’s bucket. They are not ready to hear something like that from you. They need you to get in their bucket with them. Acknowledge their pain. Say something like, “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you right now,” or “That sounds very discouraging.”
I remember a time I was really stressed out by something I was going through. People were trying to tell me why I shouldn’t be upset. They weren’t validating my feelings. I felt like no one cared about how I really felt. Then someone said something like, “That has to be really hard.” All of a sudden, because I had been validated I could handle what I was going through and it wasn’t so bad anymore.
Now, there is a time and a place to offer advice and Biblical encouragement—but that comes after the validation. Validation makes it so your words of advice are more receivable. But you still need to be careful when giving advice. Does your friend actually need advice or do they just need validation? A lot of times they just need someone to listen. They already know God’s promises. They already know they don’t need to be afraid. Their brain just acts this way because of their illness and reminding them of God’s promises may just frustrate them in the moment since their anxiety is not the result of a lack of faith. Ask your friend what they need from you in the moment. One of my friends has said to me, “Is this one of those times you just need me to listen?” Try that and your friend will be thankful you are thinking about their needs and not just jumping to fix their issues.
Please believe your friend:
When your friend tells you their health condition is causing unwanted anxiety and depression, please believe them. If you say something like, “Can’t you just think positive thoughts and be fine?” it will only lead your friend to feel more discouraged. It not only invalidates what your friend is feeling, it leads them to try keeping their pain to themselves because you appear to not want to understand. Thinking positive thoughts doesn’t chase away mental difficulties caused by chronic illness.
It is very important that your friend has people who believe and try to understand what they are going through. Chronic illness induced anxiety and depression are debilitating, and having no one you feel you can turn to for help only intensifies the pain. Feeling alone in these struggles only leads to more intense depression and anxiety. It may be hard to imagine what your friend is possibly going through if you have never experienced it, but please try your very best to understand and believe them. It will mean the world to them and shine light on their struggles. It will make them much easier to bear because they are not bearing them alone.
Pray:
Another very valuable thing you can do for your friend is keep them in your prayers. Don’t hesitate to say you will pray for them and then do it. It is very comforting to know someone else is talking to God about your struggles. Periodically tell them you are praying for them even if they haven’t specifically asked you to.
Ask your friend if you can pray for them right in the moment. It is going to depend on how bad your friend is feeling at the moment, but praying out loud with someone can be very encouraging. Ask your friend, “Can I pray for you right now?” It means a lot to me when someone does this for me. Just make sure your friend wants this before you do it.
Follow up:
Don’t wait for your friend to bring up their struggles. If they have shared with you that they are struggling, then ask them how they are doing. It means a lot to me if my friends ask me how things are going with my struggle I shared with them without being prompted. It shows you are concerned and thinking about them when they are not reaching out to you.
I actually wish my friends would reach out to me and ask me how I am doing with my anxiety and depression more often than they do. It tells me they want to talk about it and want to know how I really am. I am much more likely to want to talk about it that way because I don’t feel like I am bothering them if they bring it up. Tell your friend, “I’m praying about your anxiety. How are you feeling today?” That will open the door for them to talk if they need to. Who knows, they might have been really struggling thinking, “I wish I could talk to a friend right now but they are probably all busy!”
Try reaching out to your friend and use one of these tips. Even if you struggle to understand what he or she is going through, he or she will be encouraged that you are trying.
Eliadah Rossman
Guest Writer
Eliadah Rossman is a child of the Heavenly Father who has been through some difficult times in her life. She hopes to help others by sharing what God has taught her through these trials. One of her favorite pastimes is making someone else’s day. She also likes dogs, cats, and cooking.
