Read part one here.

I was recently processing our tendency to use every drop of energy we have with my counselor. As an Enneagram type two, self care is not my area of strength. As I have been trying to grow in that area, I have done research about self care and type twos, but I kept getting stuck.

And then talking with my counselor, I suddenly got it. It isn’t that I am unaware of my needs, like many twos are. I am hyperaware all the time of what is going on in my body and brain, and how close to that red limit line I am. (I don’t know why it’s red, that’s just how it is in my brain.) As a writer, I tend to be pretty aware of my emotions as well. You could ask me at any moment what is going on with me, and if I know you well enough, I can give a complex, detailed, articulate readout of exactly how I am in each of the main categories. 

Right now, my right left shoulder has a sharp pain. I think I am still acclimating to my chiropractic adjustment yesterday. My left foot is also in pain, but that’s a semi-continual thing, I am aware of each point where the bones aren’t yet quite returned to their correct location from my injury. I also have pain in my hands and head, but that would take time to explain. However, I do have an explanation. I am dehydrated. I am grieving due to the loss of a friendship. Mixed in with that is anger and fear. I am anxious about upcoming projects and trips, as well as the loneliness that is seeping over me due to life changes. I am sleepy due to the heat and the crazy few months I have had. I might also be fighting a cold, but it isn’t yet to the level of contagious or showing symptoms. I am aware of the other people in the house, making noises, doing work, zoning out on their phone. 

And that’s just off the top of my head. I didn’t need to stop and think. I didn’t need to analyze. That constant self analysis is always going on in the back of my head. Illness and trauma have trained that into me. In order to continue to function, I’ve needed to be able to track at all times exactly how my body, mind, and emotions are doing. That way, I’m prepared for anything. That way, I know exactly how much I can push myself before I start to face consequences and exactly what those consequences will be.

It’s just the nature of chronic illness and health challenges. 

Where the self care problem hits is, I ignore it until the sirens in my head are going off, forget warning bells. I know what I need, but I ignore it. *mindblown*

When I first started seeing one of my counselors, she had me go through an awareness exercise. It was supposed to be calming and help me catch myself before I mentally or emotionally spiraled. But as I closed my eyes and listened to her voice and focused on my body, I felt waves of physical pain hit me. Living in constant, chronic pain, I had learned to ignore the majority of it and tune it out so that I could focus enough to function. 

Anyone who has been through a major illness or injury knows what I mean. 

So for a long time, ignoring pain until it gets to a certain level has been the only way I was able to function. Ignoring my emotional needs enabled me to focus on staying alive and function through dysfunction and hurting relationships. 

Even this week, I went right back to that. In order to deal with a difficult relationship, I numbed myself with The Office so I could ignore the emotions I needed to in order to have a calm conversation.

This isn’t wrong! But it is important that we recognize what we are doing and that we learn to stop pushing to the absolute limit every single day. Survival mode is a gift, but after a time it will begin to have a seriously negative effect on our minds and souls and bodies. We weren’t created to live ignoring wounds or pushing until we scrape the barrel. When it is time to move past that season, let’s accept the abundance God gives with joy and a whole lot of grace for ourselves and others.

Grace for ourselves as we learn to function with a whole new variety of abilities. (Picture when a superhero struggles with their powers when they first get them.) And grace for others as we wonder how they can be so flippant and wasteful while they have had these abilities the whole time. God has given you the gift of learning discipline and endurance so that now you can use every drop or every and health well. Just think of what you can accomplish.

And maybe today, that means storing that energy for another time, and enjoying not being utterly drained.

Just some thoughts.