I paced circles on the tile as I listened to my friend Susana explain the struggles weighing her down. Cautiously, she asked me, “Have you ever experienced the same thing?”
I laughed. “Oh girl! You are not alone.” And I began to share something I had told only a few people. I told her of an incredibly difficult season of my life. I told her how I’d lost a friend. I told her of mistakes that broke my heart. I told her of grief and change and ignorance.
It was so freeing. As I spoke, it suddenly felt like that difficult season had purpose. As I spoke, I realized how far I had come, and how proud and thankful I was. And as I spoke, something in both our hearts healed just a little.
My sorrow was helping this sweet friend. Sharing my mistakes might mean she didn’t have to make the same ones. Sharing my mess gave her space to share hers with someone who understood.
It was . . . beautiful.
Today, I want to talk about sharing our hard stories. When, where, how, with whom. Stories are powerful but need to be handled with care. So let’s talk about five questions we should consider before we share our hard stories.
Question #1: Why should I share my hard stories?
Maya Angelou said, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Stories are gifts. They are gifts that every single one of us has. And they are meant to be shared – at least, many of them (not all — we’ll get there later). Through sharing stories, beautiful things happen.
First, sharing our stories can be healing to us. As I experienced with my friend Susana, sharing our hard stories can shed light on our dark places. It can help us find purpose for our hard things. And it can help us reframe our hard stories when it can be easy to get stuck in negative spirals.
The second reason we should share our hard stories is because it can bless those who hear. Like Susana, others can learn from our stories — our mistakes and our victories. When we share our hard stories, it also helps others know that they’re not alone. It validates their experiences and creates space for vulnerability for them, too.
But the biggest reason that we should share our hard stories is because it glorifies God. Psalm 107:2 (NIV) says, “Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story— those he redeemed from the hand of the foe.” As you read the rest of the psalm, you see God’s hand in the hard stories of many people’s lives. When we share the hard parts of our story, it brings honor to the God who brought us through it. In our weakness, God’s power is made perfect, as it is showcased.
Question #2: Am I ready?
With that said, you don’t have to share your story. Is that a relief? Some stories need time to marinate. Sometimes, we need to marinate. We need to ponder, heal, process, pray, listen, and receive.
Signs you aren’t ready:
- You’re coming from a place of anger
- Sharing your story is triggering trauma
- You’re sharing in the heat of the moment
- You haven’t considered how sharing your story will impact those in it
I want to note that some of these signs are significantly dependent on the context. Giving a speech from a place of anger is not honoring to God, yourself, or others. But vocalizing anger to a therapist is totally healthy.
Signs you are ready:
- You sense God’s guiding
- You’ve had time to process and your story is clear in your mind
- Your story is still messy and it doesn’t all make sense yet, but you’re at peace
- You’ve told God your story
Question #3: Is this the right context?
As I mentioned above, context can change everything. Some hard stories are appropriate shared from the pulpit, some are better shared in confidence with a close friend. That’s okay. However recognizing the right context for every hard story is crucial to consider.
This goes beyond just the physical location of where to share. Often, the format of a hard story is an important part of context. Is this better spoken? Written? Should it be shared in part or in whole? Which parts? Do names need to be changed? Do details need to be included or withheld?
Here are some potential contexts:
- Public speech
- Private conversation
- Small group
- With a mentor
- With a friend
- On a blog/website
- In a video
The list goes on.
But one of the most important aspects of context to consider is who you are talking to. Hard stories are powerful, but they are also serious and personal. For your own well-being, is the person you’re sharing your hard story with the right person? Are they safe? Are they able to respond well? What type of response are you needing or hoping for at this time?
If you’re not sure, ask someone you trust about the context you are considering sharing in.
Question #4: Will this help, encourage, and bless the listener?
Sharing is a two-way exchange. When you share a story with another person, it affects them. Sometimes, it might not affect them much. Sometimes, it will affect them positively. Sometimes, it will affect them negatively. Sharing is great — but sometimes not sharing, or sharing carefully, is what is needed. And when we share hard stories, we want to do so with awareness.
Some questions to consider here are . . .
- Why do I want to share my hard story with this person/group?
- Is this person ready to hear my hard story?
- Does this person have any triggers I need to be sensitive to?
- Have I asked their permission to share this hard thing?
- Is now the best time to share my hard story with this person?
Sharing doesn’t always need to be motivated solely by caring for the other person. Sometimes, sharing is simply for our own growth and healing. But we must ask, what is our goal in sharing our hard story? And how will it affect or influence those we are sharing with?
It is also important to consider that if we’re sharing something private and personal, we may want them to avoid talking about it with anyone else. Does this person have the capacity to hold our hard story in confidence, or is there someone we’re comfortable with them processing with? Also, is this a one-time sharing, or is it something you’re open to having further conversations about?
Question #5: How do I share my hard story?
Here’s where we get to the hard part. How on earth do we share our hard stories? Where do we even start? That’s a question that deserves its own article, but here are some do’s and don’ts to begin with:
Don’t . . .
- Be in a hurry.
- Put pressure on yourself to have it all figured out.
- Expect each story sharing experience to be the same.
Do . . .
- Consider time, place, person.
- Start small — share one part of your hard story with one person.
- Consider in advance what you’ll say.
- Consider in advance what you’re not comfortable sharing.
Finding Your Right Next Step
Sharing our hard stories is a lifelong process, and one that will change. Our stories will continue to develop and our perspectives will continue to change. Now is probably not the time to share your hard story with the whole world.
Rather, let’s find the next right step, together. Let’s start small. Here are my suggestions:
- Choose a part of your hard story, and tell it to God.
- Choose a person you trust, and consider them through the lens of question #3, “Is this the right context?”.
- Set some time aside, and practice sharing with them.
