Anxiety, depression, and irrational thoughts used to be my norm. Those were probably the worst moments of my chronic illness journey. In them, most of my most important relationships were broken. In them, I felt like I lost myself. In them, I felt like a failed Christian.
I wrote a little about it in my book He’s Making Diamonds. I also wrote a blog post about identifying irrational thoughts and another one about how to combat them. But that was the extent of my talking about it publicly. I’m a very honest, very vulnerable writer. However, that was just too difficult, too near the surface, and I still didn’t know how to navigate it, let alone advise anyone else.
But over the last few weeks a friend of mine has asked me repeatedly to write about it again as she struggles through her own Lyme-induced anxiety and mental struggles. Little did she know that for the first time in a year or two, I was facing these issues all over again.
I was right there with her . . . I wanted some kind of resource to share with those who loved me to help them understand where I was at. But it still feels really personal and difficult to be attempting to write that resource myself.
Just last night I sat in the dirt by the curb. It was late, but my uncontrollable shaking had nothing to do with the freezing cold. I struggled to breathe normally and I rejected the help my friend was trying to give me.
So as you read this, know this is from someone still figuring it out. It is from someone with direct experience with real anxiety caused by mental health conditions. And before I sat down to write today I interviewed several people who also experience this.
But please know that this is meant to simply be a starting place. Not all of these things will be helpful to every person facing anxiety. I would use them with caution and communication. Gently ask if a particular thing is helpful.
- Hug us
Not everyone is a hugging person. Be sensitive to that. But this was the most common thing I heard when I asked people who deal with anxiety what is helpful to them, and at this point, it is one of the most helpful things to me as well. When you are anxious, being held by someone you trust lends feelings of safety. It gives you someone to hold onto and it helps you know you aren’t alone in a way words can’t, especially if you are struggling to comprehend or believe those words.
- Don’t leave us alone
This one is tricky. I don’t know how it is for everyone else but so often my desire to not be alone is also accompanied by my fear of people seeing me in that mental state, and often when I verbally say I want to be alone I’m actually feeling and thinking the exact opposite. But whether you give us space or not, don’t leave us to fight alone or deal with this alone. Check in. Sit with us.
- Send us worship songs
When things were really, really bad for me this was one of the best ways long distance friends could sit with me in the pain without actually being able to be there. Worship songs were rhythms that helped me focus my mind as well as sources of truth in the midst of lies. They were short enough to keep my attention and personal enough to make it feel like the people sending them were there with me. This won’t be the case all the time or with everyone, but you get the idea.
- Send us memes
Sometimes what we need is simply a distraction. Sometimes I just want my friends to tell me about their day to get my mind off of the anxiety. In certain mental states, communication can be difficult, as well as focusing on a book or movie or TV show. Something like memes can be perfect because it’s funny, doesn’t take a lot of focus, and even makes people feel less alone by their relatability.
- Tell us to breathe
If you are physically there with us, even breathe deeply with us. Getting oxygen is crucial and when anxiety hits hard we can tend to forget to breathe without even realizing we’re doing it. A friend recently encouraged me to breathe and then started breathing deeply themselves and it was helpful to me to be able to match my friend’s breathing.
- Validate and listen to us
This is super important. Especially when our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors don’t make sense to you. We are likely invalidating ourselves already, but the emotions and things we are grappling with are very real. Even if they aren’t true and are caused by illness rather than our actual opinions. Listening without flinching allows us to escape spiraling in our own heads. Listening inserts another perspective into the messy thoughts. And listening shows us we aren’t alone.
- Understand that you probably don’t understand
This kind of anxiety isn’t normal worry or stress. If you haven’t experienced it yourself it can be very difficult to understand and might not make a lot of sense to you. That’s okay. You don’t have to get it, but you do need to understand that you might not get it. Verbally acknowledging that fact to your loved one struggling with anxiety also communicates that you have more understanding than most people.
Hope that helps! Comment below and let me know if you want to see more posts on this topic.
