Today we have another post from Isciena Grace!
“I have something I need to talk to you about.”
I stared at the text, curious and a little concerned. “Call anytime this morning!”
It wasn’t long before my phone began to vibrate and I picked up. “Hey! What’s up?”
There was a pause. “How did you tell Peter about your chronic illness?”
My heart flooded with compassion and understanding. My friend had told me last week about a certain guy in her life, and her wrestling made sense. I was lucky. Peter knew about my chronic illness before I even knew him because I share about it pretty publicly.
But honestly, knowing I had a certain diagnosis didn’t mean he really knew what it meant. It saved me the initial conversation, but it has had to be an ongoing conversation as we’ve gone from strangers to friends to significant others.
Those conversations are hard. I remember the grief I felt when Peter first told his parents about me. One of their first concerns was about my health. Would my health prevent him from following God’s calling in his life?
I hated that my health even had to be a conversation. But it did, which is where that grief came in.
1. Take the conversation seriously.
As much as I hated that chronic illness had to be a consideration as we contemplated entering into an official relationship, I was so glad that Peter took it seriously. I’d watched so many marriages struggle through chronic illness.
I’d seen it be a powerful testimony and strength in marriages, but I had also seen the pain and lifestyle change up close and I knew anyone I pursued a relationship with had to be willing to face those things. I knew that I needed Peter to seriously consider whether this was something he was willing to sign up for.
On the other hand, I knew he couldn’t possibly understand what he was signing up for, and we both had to be okay with that too. Regardless, this is a conversation that has to be had at some point.
2. Communicate in digestible increments.
You don’t have to share everything all at once. Maybe that is easiest and best for you and your person. And I totally respect that. But I know that for Peter and I, it was helpful to be able to process it bit by bit.
Chronic illness doesn’t just affect one area of life, and Peter has had to learn to start thinking differently. I didn’t start out telling him about how my health would affect finances and childbearing. We got there eventually, but first he needed to understand my day to day. And then he needed to understand my past. He needed to understand how it shaped me.
There are so many nuances, and when you are the one who is chronically ill, you have years to understand it. It might take someone you like time for everything to sink in with true understanding.
I imagine these conversations will look differently for each couple, so really what I’m trying to say here is to have grace for yourself and your person throughout the entire process.
3. You are so much more than your chronic illness.
Every person has issues, chronic illness is just extra visible. In some ways, that is a blessing. Being able to communicate upfront about things can help as you adjust to a relationship or marriage in the future. I didn’t like my needs and flaws being so obvious, but it also grew our relationship in special ways.
The reality is that any physically healthy significant other you are in relationship with will also have their issues and needs and deep dark secrets. We with a chronic illness may feel needy, but they are too. Peter has his own battles, they just aren’t as obvious to the passing observer.
Yet the truth that must be paired to the reality of needs and flaws is that both you and your person are so much more than your struggles. There is so much more to me than just my chronic illness. And Peter sees that. There is so much more to Peter than his battles and I know that. That’s why I like him. 😉
If you share your chronic illness with someone and they decide it’s not something they can walk alongside, then please know that isn’t because something is wrong with you. Perhaps that person needs to grow. Perhaps that person is being called in a different direction. But that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. And there are those who will not only accept your chronic illness, but become your one of your biggest supporters in your battle.
Peter’s Response
Like Peter. We both had to seriously consider what chronic illness would mean in a relationship, future family, and how it would affect where we felt God leading us in our lives. It was a serious, intentional, sometimes tearful wrestling.
But how did Peter respond? I was so afraid that my illness would disqualify me as someone he was interested in. I was worried he would decide he couldn’t stomach it and that would result in my rejection.
He didn’t. He decided that he could walk with me. That he wanted to walk with me. In His mercy, God has so far aligned our callings and given us the grace and strength to walk with each other in our areas of weakness. Peter has worked hard to learn about my illness — both my history and how it will affect my future. He has sought to gain understanding and to change the way he thinks. Over time, he has become the one that champions me. The one that thinks ahead to consider what accommodations I may need. Who notices when I’m trying to hide my health struggles from those around me. He looks out for me without being pushy. He asks what I need while trusting me with my own health decisions.
Guys like that exist, you know. So friend, as you approach these conversations, have courage and grace. Know who you are in God.
I’d also like to recommend two resources as you wrestle with relationships and chronic illness:
Isciena Grace
Guest Writer
Isciena is a young adult who battles multiple chronic illnesses. She enjoys crafting, reading, and deep conversations.