I spent hours sitting in front of the toilet, waiting for the nausea to die down. When I finally worked up the willpower, I climbed into bed with my trashcan. I fell asleep holding my trashcan, late into the night, long after the world was asleep. It wasn’t painsomnia, but so many nights I’ve been awake long after I should be, from nausea or pain or illness-induced nightmares. On many a night, I’ve cried myself to sleep, wishing to be a carefree normal little girl again.

Today, I want to talk to the one with painsomina. Insomnia caused by unrelenting, chronic pain. And actually, even the painsomniac whose pain is not physical or whose pain isn’t pain exactly but something else like nausea or feverishness or insatiable hunger caused by illness.

If this — or something similar — is you, then listen up.

I know it can feel so lonely at night when you’re the only one awake. When the pain is so much that you can’t focus to distract yourself through reading or some other mode of relief. When sleep won’t come, despite being exhausted, knowing you’ll be tired in the morning.

But you are not alone. Not only are there a lot of other painsomniacs out there to keep you company (I also recommend befriending an Australian), but we have a God who does not sleep. He does not go on vacation or become unavailable to us. He is with us in every single moment.

He sees us, all alone, trying to be quiet despite our desire to scream or to ransack the fridge or to listen to music. He knows what it’s like to be alone while others are sleeping, when all you want is some company. Remember Jesus in the garden before His crucifixion, asking his disciples to stay awake and pray with Him?

“Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”” (Matthew 26:39-41 NIV)

We are not alone.

So next time anxiety, depression, nausea, breathing difficulties, feverishness, barometric pressure, lies, shaking, questions, or painsomnia keep you up, read Psalm 121. Or if you can’t, listen to it on your Bible app.Andr if you can’t do either, please just remember that God is with you in this, too. He doesn’t sleep.

P.S. This has nothing to do with the topic of this post. But I’ve been listening to this song on repeat for the last thirty minutes, and it makes me smile (and yes, dance) every time it comes on. I hope it makes you smile too, so I thought I’d share. 😀