My mother-in-law’s first impression of me wasn’t when I shook her hand. 

Vera’s first impression came as my now-husband Peter tried to coordinate with his mom what we would eat for dinner. Due to my chronic illnesses, I have a wide range of food sensitivities and allergies, and I anxiously peered at the texts over Peter’s shoulder. 

• Would she think I was high maintenance? 

• Would she think I’d starve her son trying to make him adhere to my dietary regime?

• Would she be frustrated that it was complicated? 

• Would she think I was stuck up because I didn’t eat “normal” food? 

• Was I really worth the time and energy my dietary needs required?

To make it harder, Vera’s love language is food. She cares for her people by feeding them, but how could she do that for me? Eventually, we found a rhythm: I’d bring my own food anytime I came over. But it was awkward and strained. 

Have you been there?

Vera felt bad that she couldn’t provide food for me, and I felt disappointed that I was missing out on her way of loving people. We inched around each other’s feelings. And since every gathering involved food, stress was inevitable.

Then she volunteered to make all the food for my bridal shower, which meant we had to deal with the issue head-on. Perched on a stool at the kitchen counter, I swallowed my fears as she asked me about every ingredient on the list.

Every time I said “I’m sorry, I can’t eat that,” I felt shame. Vera grew excited. “It’s like an extra challenge, a puzzle to figure out.” Because she asked to understand, I chose to be bold and teach her about my restrictions, how food affected my body, and how I creatively work around them.

Weeks later, I watched as she put the last layer of chocolate on her sunbutter cups (which were delicious). She felt pride and delight at being able to take care of me, and I felt loved by her care.

In the past, my go-to response has been to avoid the issue, not even mentioning my dietary needs. But when Vera and I tackled the topic together, it brought mutual understanding and joy. Our relationship was strengthened. I want to help you take those brave steps from a place of knowing your worth by allowing safe people to care for your dietary needs. Let’s troubleshoot three common questions about food sensitivities.

Awkward Question #1: What Can You Eat?

Unhelpful Response: A verbal list. Dietary restrictions can be complex and ever-changing. Additionally, people won’t remember the list you regurgitate.

Possible Helpful Responses:

1. “Thank you for asking! I don’t know if we have time right now, but maybe we can circle back later.” Context matters. Having the conversation in front of a waiter adds pressure. Helping your friend understand the bigger picture of your health at a later time can help them grasp the importance of your dietary needs.
2. “Thank you for asking! I actually have it all written down. If you’re trying to cook something for me, I’d be happy to email you the document.” If you still want to share, having something easy to give that’s not dependent on your brain in the fluster of the moment can be helpful. You’re worth people putting in the effort to learn!
3. “I do the autoimmune protocol.” Share broad strokes and leave it to the other person to demonstrate how interested they actually are. Using words like “Paleo” “Celiac” or “Keto” can help gauge people’s knowledge level so that you know where to start in sharing, and it also provides space for the other person to ask follow-up questions if they are interested in learning more at that moment.

Awkward Question #2: Are You Sure You Can’t Eat It?

Unhelpful Response: Irritated body language and words. Voicing my needs is hard enough the first time, and when people question it, I can get defensive. But as I learned with Vera, conversations like these are a chance to grow in mutual understanding and love. Try to see it from the other person’s eyes:

• they may not want you to miss out
• they might not know what to give you if you can’t eat something 
• this situation might be a first for them

Possible Helpful Responses:

1. “Yep!” Explanations don’t have to be obligatory, and you’re allowed to stand your ground concerning what you know your body can and can’t do.
2. “It affects me in this way . . .” If the other person is open to learning, sharing the results of eating something you’re sensitive to can help them not only understand you but lead them to champion your needs themselves. If they know that you’ll vomit, pass out, or be in pain, it becomes pretty straightforward.
3. “Unfortunately, yes. It’s tough, though, so I appreciate your support in it!” This gently encourages the person to abstain from critique, particularly in the case of ongoing misunderstanding.

Awkward Question #3: What Happens If You Eat Such-And-Such?

Unhelpful Response: Vivid disturbing details. Enough said.

Possible Helpful Responses:

1. “It affects fill-in-the-blank body part.” This answer is specific and educational without being disturbing, and leaves room for follow-up questions.
2. “How much do you want to know?” This gives the other person control and allows them to take ownership of taking in your answer. Besides, some people really do want all the details (maybe your nurse friend or your mom). 
3. “You don’t want to know.” Politely and lightheartedly avoids answering the question and discourages follow-up questions.

The key to helpful responses, regardless of the question, is having compassion and understanding for the person you’re talking to. When you can understand where they are coming from, you can meet them where they are in your answers. That way, you’re not upsetting your mom’s new friends with too much information, and you’re also not sharing sensitive, personal things with someone who won’t take them seriously. Instead, you’re able to help those who are ready to grow, learn, and understand.

As Vera helped me learn, instead of a source of friction, food can be a way to connect—even with food sensitivities.

For more tips on navigating these types of relationships, check out this Diamonds Conference session: Relationships With People Who Are Not Chronically Ill.